Why burden a good scene with narrative blather? Focus on your character and his predicament. I'm already asking myself, "Why would a best-selling author live in squalor?" Questions are good - run with that. Is that his personality? Is his degenerative eyesight interfering with his housework? Or should we be picking up on the fact that the strange things happening to him over the past few weeks have scared him to the point where he doesn't leave the couch?
This is the time to focus on the scrolling words on the television, not to explain Diamond's vision history. Obviously, his myopia plays a part in this story, but you're going to have to find a way to touch on this without bludgeoning us with the information.
Your first page gets kudos for character and setup, but loses ground for distracting the reader with non-essential details.
Plot: 6/10
Writing: 7/10
Total: 13/20
I'm a white, uptight northeasterner, born and bred in the suburbs where status is everything; my worst nightmare isn't being mauled by grizzly bears or succumbing to flesh-eating microbes - it's being the butt of a practical joke. Right off the bat I'm wondering why Diamond's first thought when his television starts communicating with him is that he's insane, not that someone is messing with him, hoping to humiliate "America's most popular suspense novelist".
My next quibble is with the alien's choice of language. I think you can make one of two choices here: either have your aliens use English in a normal fashion, or give a "flavor" to their English that gives us insight into their own language. For example, the lines, "Time is of the essence, Mr. Diamond. We are currently working to rid your atmosphere of the toxic filth you have unleashed upon it," feel too space-opera melodramatic for comfort. The alien communicating with him is probably in a position of some authority - why not give him/her something of a military tone - brusque, commanding, impatient? Or, you could garble his message to make him sound "alien". Or, you could have fun with it - think of some grumpy, old character you know and write the message how he would say it.
I'd switch paragraph four around to give the reader a brief impression of the events leading up to this day. Here's my version:
Wilfred bought himself some time, trying unsuccessfully to wet his parched throat with the last sips of a tepid diet soft drink that had lain on his coffee table for days. He refused to panic. He'd been pushing it lately, that's all - working fifteen-hour days in an attempt to meet a deadline. Hadn't he been seeing little green sparks these last few weeks every time he put on his new glasses?
He replaced the can on the coffee table and shut his eyes briefly. When he opened them, the words still flashed across the screen.
This is a great place to introduce the character of Mrs. Willis. You could try something like this:
The back of his neck prickled and Wilfred jerked around. Sure enough, there was Mrs. Willis camped out on her balcony across the way like a sniper on the roof of a foreign embassy. She had her telescope trained right at him, and he had no doubt she was reading the aliens' message over his shoulder. In two quick steps he'd snapped the curtains shut, and was back on the sofa.
"Why me?" he asked the television.
I'm giving you a hard time, but there's nothing to be afraid of. You've got a couple of interesting characters and a good setup. This is tweaking, not slash-and-burn restructuring, the kind that every author needs to do after taking a break from his manuscript.
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