I liked the leap into action. I immediately wanted to know who was being killed and who was doing the killing. When the story switched to the classroom, I wanted to know why a 'Mage of the Prime Race' was fooling around teaching kids. All of this is good: as long as your reader is asking questions, your story is alive.
However, a reader is only going to pursue a story so long as the writing doesn't get in the way. My advice for you can be found in any writing manual. Show; don't tell. Use the active voice. Don't use two words when one will do.
This is an example of a near miss - a story with a good plot shot down by its writing. A little polishing could transform this first page into the gripping, action-packed introduction it should be.
Plot: 7/10
Writing: 4/10
Total: 11/20
Make your action really active. Drop the first two explanatory lines of the story and slash the second half of the now opening line to make it grab us right off the bat:
'The sword plunged deep into the man's chest, piercing his flesh, snapping his ribcage and bursting his heart.'
Boom - you have our attention. We're no longer worrying that this is yet one more trite fantasy story; we immediately want to know who is dying, who is doing the killing and why.
The next paragraph as it stands loses the reader. Who removed the blade? Do you need to use 'slash' AND 'splash'? We still don"t know who the enemy is or who the killer is, and we're losing interest, fast.
The awkward sentence structure continues into the next paragraph, especially in the second sentence where we learn that the war with the western savages had BEGUN its descent toward the END. Capitalizing the term 'Warrior' here, as a sign of an official designation, is acceptable if it is capitalized all the way through, but 'War of the western savages' should either be all caps, like World War I, or not capitalized at all.
Let's try a rewrite of these two paragraphs, making sure that we give the action to the warrior:
'Shock and horror barely registered in the man's eyes before he died in a rush of crimson blood. The warrior jerked his blade free and lofted it to the Heavens, proclaiming his oaths to the Gods fulfilled. And with the death of the tyrant at the hands of this Warrior - the finest of our time - the War with the Western Savages drew to a close.'
When the story transitions to the classroom, I perk up. I'm assuming that a Mage of the Prime race is going to have some interesting sideline projects, if nothing else. Still, you get bogged down in your description of him. It needs to be tighter. Here's my version:
'Temporus' sharp question jolted the twelve students out of their passive enjoyment of the magical tabletop re-creation of the battle. He stood at the front of the modestly sized stone room, his bushy eyebrows raised in patient anticipation. He was only forty, but the white hairs that invaded his beard made him look older - the price of being a high ranking Mage of the Prime Race. Once a week he took a break from the sweeping responsibilities of his job to teach these Juniors, who were either unaware of hugely prominent and important figures in current events or at the very least pretending to be so.'
The final few paragraphs contain a few small errors, but we've covered the important ground. See how much more potent this beginning can be?
|
Back To Rankings
 |
Late or delayed software at Rusty Axe Games can often be attributed to the lead designer spending too much time chasing Jennifer about the office.