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"What's wrong?" came Frank from his chair. "Damn,
boy, you are getting me worried now."

I could hear him get up from his chair. Between his
sighs, creaking bones and heavy boots on the wooden
patio his movements seemed exceedingly telegraphed.
He walked up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.
I flinched and then settled.

"It's none of my business, I know," he said, "but you
really believed she was with you last night, didn't
you? It's ok, this stays between us."

Then the water works kicked in. My strength to hold
them back, which was already weak, was now gone
completely. I began crying and sobbing
uncontrollably. In tidal waves it came out of me. I
dropped the driver and bent over with my hands on my
knees. I wanted to stop and get control of myself. I
even fancied a way I could still play it off as a
joke. Maybe I could just pretend to have started
crying, I thought. I could turn it into a laugh, and
we could clap each other on the back. I could get
back in my truck, drive home, and then break down in
private. Instead, I was loosing it. Hell, I had lost
control of myself in Frank's back yard while he had a
hold of my shoulder. No, this was not going good at
all.

"I'm sorry, Frank," I sobbed. "Please don't tell
everyone I went crazy."

I meant this, too. I could deal with my insanity.
Acceptance is the first of twelve steps, right? But
to be pointed at while people whispered about me was
just going to be too much. A thing like this would
spread like wild fire. Obviously it was too late to
hide it from Frank, and Elise, I added in my head, but
if the whole community found out it would only make
things worse.

"The secret of you being a whack-job is safe here, my
man," he said.

I appreciated the gesture and his light-heartedness.
It actually helped me gain some control. I wiped my
eyes with my palms and blew out each nostril on to the
grass. It wasn't a refined move, by any means, but
neither was balling in some dudes backyard.

"Frank," I said, "The reason I came here today wasn't
to fix your fence."

"You wanted to know if we had seen her too, huh?" he
finished for me.

I nodded as a sob escaped me. "Man, I woke up this
morning expecting her to be there," I cried. It was
time for honesty. In truth, I was glad now that I had
broke down. It felt good to talk to someone. After
all, Cindy wasn't here. I needed someone. "It just
seemed so damn real."

"I know, brother," he said. "Trust me, I have been
through this shit. I used to be ‘shell-shocked.' I
know how things can seem real. When I came back from
Korea I brought a couple dead buddies with me. I
still see them from time to time."

I looked into his eyes to see if he was joking. He
wasn't. He also seemed very concerned. Yeah, this
guy was genuine.

"I've been dreaming of this girl for so long, Frank, I
guess she finally came real."

"Is this a real person?" he asked. Then for
clarification he added, "I mean, she wasn't real last
night, but is she based on someone you know?"

I chuckled at how bizarre the conversation seemed.
"Yes, she's real. Well, make-believe and all, but
based on a real person." We both chuckled at that.
"Did you really see dead war buddies?"

"Yep, for a long time. Once they even shoved me out
of the way of incoming fire. I was walking down the
sidewalk one second, and landing in the gutter the
next. They saved my ass in Korea, and were still
doing it. Now they just show up for occasional
visits." He winked again. This time it didn't come
with a blow to the stomach.

"Tell ya what, man..." he said, trailing off.

"What?" I asked, wanting to hear what he was about to
say.

"Nothing," he said, looking away.

"You went form, tell ya what man, to nothing? Come on
Frank, toss this dog a bone will ya?"

I could see by his features he was thinking over my
request. After some thought he said, "This isn't
something you need to hear; especially now. It will
only make things worse for you, I suspect. I would
rather not say; if it is all the same."

"No it's not all the fucking same," I said. It came
out rougher then I intended. After all, he was being
a friend to me and didn't deserve that.

"Well," he began, "After we pulled away last night, we
both agreed you never looked happier. Once we got
past the shock and thought you were joking, we both
talked about how happy you seemed. I didn't want to
tell you that, what with it bein' all in your head and
shit, but you either need to find this chick or go
back to crazy. Do whatever brings her back." He
tossed me another wink, but this time without the
accompanying smile.

By now my tears had stopped and I had regained myself.
My gaze went from space to the ground. I nodded as I
dropped my head. I picked up my driver and headed for
the gate. I did not want to leave through the house.
I started across the lawn. He put an arm around my
shoulder and I stopped. I put an arm around his back
and we both hugged, in a guy way.

"Thanks, Frank," I said. "I'm glad you were here.
This being crazy shit sucks!"

"Hang in there, dude. And don't worry about and the
misses and I gabbing about you. This stays here."

"Thanks, man. Thanks for everything."

On that I walked back to my truck and drove home. On
the drive I felt better. Yes, stopping by to see them
was a good move. It was sad and scary that I had
invented an entire nonexistent day, but at least I
knew the truth now and that I wasn't the only crazy
person in this world.



CHAPTER SIX



I walked inside and went straight to the bedroom. The
ring was still there on the bed and in it's box. I
sat down on the bed and picked it up. I tried to
relive the night as it had really been. I must have
put down the box and simply went to sleep. Then I
thought about the lovemaking. Four times? Did I
hump the mattress each time? I tried to remember who
slept in the wet spot, and couldn't. I checked the
bed and my underwear and couldn't find a wet spot.
What did I do that day? Did I even drive to the
property?

I went out to the truck and checked my fuel gage. I
know I had filled it up two days ago. Hell, I thought
I had, but I really didn't know anything now. There
was a quarter tank left. If I did go to the property,
that would be the right amount. So I went to the
property alone and only imagined her sitting close to
me? I dropped to one knee and asked her to be my
bitch when I was alone? No wonder everything seemed
so right. No one says yes to that. Only a guy could
dream that one up.

So I did make the trip up there. Now I understood the
odd look I had gotten from the old lady in the Vega.
I must have been kissing myself. The thought of her
seeing me tongue air made me smile. And to think that
is why her progress had been halted brought out a
small laugh. No wonder she flipped me off. I started
to wonder when the dream began. I woke up and started
cleaning right away. I even made my bed, which was
unusual for me. Did it begin when I finished
straightening my comforter, writing in the journal, or
when I heard the knock at the door? Of course there
was no knock at the door, was there? So my
hallucination must have begun before that.

Try as I did, I could not think of any one thing that
might have started it. Perhaps when I awoke
yesterday, my mind had it planned already. Maybe that
is why I had woke up and cleaned. I didn't want my
imaginary love to see what a pig I really was. At
some point, though, a switch tripped and I went into
psychotic love mode. Maybe it was just a 24-hour
brain bug. I seemed to be back to normal now. I
would have to stay alert and watch out for signs it
was back. Maybe if things start going perfect again,
I can just assume I'm dreaming.



CHAPTER SEVEN


I went in the kitchen and scrapped Cindy's biscuits
and gravy into the garbage disposal. I wondered if
that is what I did with her breakfast. I put some
coffee on and went in to shower. I remembered her
smell, but had none on me. As I washed off I tried to
determine if I had really had four orgasms the day
before. I thought that maybe I could do this by
judging my sexual arousal level. That didn't work. I
had no more sexual impulse then a paraplegic at
church. Even the memory of her touch and the smell of
her hair did nothing for me. I turned off the water
and stepped out of the shower. I put my clothes back
on and went for the coffee maker.

I was pouring a cup when there was a knock at the
door. ‘Here we go again,' I thought. I took a sip of
my coffee and steadied my nerves. The pause was not
long, but it was a pause nonetheless. I walked to the
front door, ready to see Cindy again. I wondered what
my mind would dress her in today.

I opened the door with a quick pull that I didn't
intend. The door caught my bare toe and I yelled out
in pain. I dropped to one knee and put a hand on my
injured foot out of reaction. As I did this I kept my
eye on the porch. Maybe the sudden burst of pain
would make the vision go away. It worked, some how.
There was no one there.

My heart sank. I realized, with slight horror, that I
missed insanity. For a brief second I wished she were
there. Even if it were only in my mind, it would
still be good to see her. I let out an expletive over
the bleeding toe and began to close the door. This
time I meant to do it quick, but I made sure my toe
was clear. The knock came again.

It wasn't the front door. It was the back. The only
person to use that door was Eddie. Must have trouble
with the hot water heater, I thought. Then I paused
to wonder if working on his water heater had happened
either. I walked to the back door and opened it.
Eddie stood there with his goofy, kid grin.

"What's going on?" I asked, trying to sound normal. I
limped to my chair and sat down.

"What happened, man?" he asked. "I was gonna hassle
you about taking so long to answer the door, but now I
see you racked your toe something fierce! Hell, I was
even going to give you some shit and tell you the hot
water heater was leaking, but you are taking the
powder out of my keg, dude. What happened?"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. For a
brief second I thought of unloading the whole insanity
trip on him. After all, it had worked with Frank. I
decided against that and simply said, "I thought you
were at the front door. I opened it up and hit my
foot." Then I added, "And to think I could have
donated this blood and instead I am just oozing it
onto my floor. What a waste!"

I sat watching the blood flow and thought about the
gauze in my first aide kit. Eddie must have been
thinking the same thing. "Hey man, let me go get you
something for that. Do you still have a med-kit in
your bathroom?"

That was Eddie all right. If you were ever going into
combat, he was the one you would want next to you in a
foxhole. He had your back. He went to the bathroom
and returned with the kit. He was digging through it
and looking for a bandage as he said, "Hey, man, after
we get you wrapped up, will you take a drive?"

I thought about how I just wanted to stay home and
keep trying to unravel this mystery. The thought of
going with him, wherever, had no appeal.

"I think I am going to pass on this one," I said.

"Pass on this one?" he repeated back. "I haven't even
told you where we're going. And we are going. And
you can't pass. Sorry."

"Fine," I said, with an exasperated sigh. "Where are
you taking my unwilling ass?"

He brought me a bandage and tape from the box. He put
them in my outstretched hand and shuddered at my
bleeding toe. It was pretty bad.

"Your unwilling ass and me are going into town. My
mom insists on thanking you for your help yesterday."
He put up his hand in a silent shushing gesture before
I could respond. "I told her you would not go for it,
but you know mom, she insisted. I have been
instructed to take you into the store and buy you a
big fat steak with all the trimmings. She wanted to
get you more, but I told her that was the most you
would accept. So please accept it so she will be
happy. If you don't, she will probably buy you a new
truck. Now, neither one of us wants that on your
head."

I could see there was no getting out of this trip. I
smiled up at him and wrapped my toe with cause and
medical tape.

"Let me get my damn flip flops on," I said. I stood
up and walked gingerly to my bedroom closet. Inside
the door, to the right, I saw my sandals that I knew
would be there. I seemed to remember putting them
there yesterday during my cleaning binge.

Slowly I worked my damaged foot into them. Running
the front loop between my big toe and second toe. It
hurt, but the pain was manageable. I glanced at my
unmade bed and saw her ring still sitting there. I
put it back in its place on the dresser and headed for
the back door.

"Ready, Eddie?" I asked in good spirits. At least I
hoped they sounded good.

On the way to his car my mind went back to the day
before when we were in my truck at the property.
Since Eddie was thanking me for helping him with the
water heater I figured that trip really happened also.
I figured that maybe a ride in my truck would help
jog my memory back to reality.

"Let's take my truck," I offered.

"You really think you can operate that brake, crip?"
he asked.

It was my left foot that had acted as an unneeded
doorstop, but my truck was an automatic so I really
only needed one foot to drive, anyway.

"I just feel like driving," I said.

I thought of making a joke about equal rights for the
handicap and passed. I was not feeling my typical
joking self today. I just wanted to understand what
happened yesterday.

The local store was called The Trader Market. Locals
simply called it Dan's; after the guy, Dan, who owned
it. It was a three-mile drive. We rode the first
mile in silence as I looked over the cab and tried to
picture what was going through my brain the day
before. My silence must have sent Eddies alarm off.

"Damn, dude, why so quiet?" he asked. "I usually
can't get you to shut up."

"I just have a lot on my mind," I said, honestly.

Smart-ass retorts went through my head, but I brushed
them off. I just didn't have it in me today.
Yesterday was a different matter altogether. I wasn't
reaching over and grabbing his knee, while thinking he
was Cindy. At least things seemed real today. Of
course they seemed real yesterday, and they were a lot
happier too.

"Well, you just go about your thinking, dude. My mom
gave me forty bucks and told me to make sure I spent
every penny buying you a meal to cook."

"Eddie, there isn't a restaurant within 100-miles I
could spend forty bucks buying dinner at," I said.

"I know it, man. Let's just get a really, really good
steak," he said. "And what the hell happened between
yesterday and today? I mean, dude, yesterday you
glowed. Has it got anything to do with that Cindy
chick you were talking about?"

Had I mentioned her, I wondered? It seemed like I
introduced her to him, but I don't think he was inside
far enough to see her. The time we spent working on
the heater was fuzzy. There is no way I couldn't have
mentioned her. Of course so much didn't really happen
it was just too much to comprehend what I might have
said or didn't say.

"Cindy?" I questioned.

"Yeah, Cindy," he mimicked, cocking his head and
acting retarded. "The girl you couldn't shut up
about, yesterday. She dumped you, huh, dude? That's
a tough break, man. I have never seen you so happy.
Now, I've never seen you so blue. Women suck."

I decided to tell him the truth, for the most part.

"I made it all up. She was never there." Then I
added a half-truth. "I pretended she was there just
to see how it would feel." Then I felt the honesty
monster rear it's ugly head. "Now I wish I would have
kept believing she was here."

"Hold on a minute, dude. Everything you said
yesterday was a lie? That shit about you proposing
and the wedding ring was all bullshit?"

I had said too much. I pulled over to the side of the
road in order to settle this before we reached Dan's.
Now I was faced with a further dilemma. I could have
Eddie either thinking I was a liar or knowing I was
insane. That was a tough choice. Lying was a choice.
Insanity was not. I decided to go with the truth.

"Eddie," I began, not knowing what would follow, but
not willing to lie to my friend. "Yesterday, I went a
bit nuts. I did think Cindy was there and I was not
lying to you when I told you about her. At least I
didn't know I was lying." It was easy how well the
truth came out. It really does set you free, I
thought. "It wasn't until I woke up this morning that
I realized it had all been in my head. Please don't
tell anyone. Please, man."

I was feeling like some one who woke up after a hard
night of drinking where he told everyone to fuck off!
I was in damage-control mode.

"Wow, man. You want me to stay quiet about this?
This is some seriously whacked-out shit! Can I at
least tell my mom?"

He looked at me with plead in his eyes. I nodded and
said, "Yeah, but no one else. Promise me."

"I promise, man, your kooky fuckin brain is safe with
me."

We both laughed and in that moment I appreciated our
friendship more than ever.

I wheeled back onto the road and finished the drive to
Dan's in silence.



CHAPTER SEVEN


We pulled into Dan's parking lot and I noticed three
cars in the parking spaces in front of the Trader.
This was a very small place where ten cars meant they
were packed. I parked in the space in front of the
door and we got out. We ascended the three concrete
steps and I opened the door and held it for him.

"Ladies first," I said, as he was walking in.

"Asshole," he snorted. It was too late for him to do
anything else. I waited for him to be halfway in the
door before making the comment.

We walked straight to the meat display. Their prices
were high, but their cuts were things of legend. Dan
bought his meat from a supplier from some state out
West. Maybe Oklahoma, I seemed to recall. Wherever
it was, they were always tasty. Dan was working this
morning so I asked him, sarcastically, "Dan, do you
have any steaks that would taste good cooked over an
open flame?"

"I'm sorry Chris," came the response, "I only have
steaks that taste good cooked over an electric heating
coil."

"Looks like Spaghetti-O's again," I said to Eddie.

At that, all three of us chuckled briefly. Dan
pointed to a row of rib eyes in the display case. "If
you don't mind the price, these are the best damn
steaks around."

This caught Eddie's attention and took him away from
his fixation with the Pixie Stick display. "Wrap up
two of those," Eddie said.

"Two?" I questioned.

"Hey, I might as well let her buy me one too," he
said. "I helped fix the damn thing also!"

He had a point. I nodded in silent agreement.

"What do you have to go with a steak dinner?" Eddie
asked. "Anything that tastes good over an open flame
will do nicely"

Eddie was doing his best to extend a lame joke. I
feigned my own fascination with the Pixie Stick
display. A slight smile escaped me and touched the
corners of my mouth.

"I got some great fresh corn on the cob in,
yesterday," Dan said. "Of course it only tastes good
deep fried and covered in peanut butter, but it's damn
tasty," he added with a grin.


We walked around to the produce section. Which
happened to be next to the meat display case and next
to the dairy and bread section. Pretty much all food
was on this side of the store, and everything else was
on the other side. The store was divided in two by
the lone cash register, which sat in the center of it
all and directly in front of the door. There was a
fresh pile of corn, with the shucks still on, and I
took a produce bag and counted in six ears. "There's
some mushrooms there too," Dan said.

It was a good touch. The thought of stir-frying some
mushrooms to go with my steak made my stomach murmur.
"Can you think of anything else you might need?" asked
Eddie.

"No, man," I said sincerely. "This is all ready too
much. Thanks, Eddie. And thank mum, too."

We walked to the register with Dan, who was working
solo this morning, and he rang it all up. The total
was $34.50. That was more then I would have spent
myself. But it was someone else's money so I was ok
with that.

"Keep the change," I told Eddie, with a generous sound
and a pat on the shoulder. He finished the
transaction with Dan and we headed to the door, with
Eddie carrying the bag. I opened the door and held it
for him, setting myself for another ladies first
comment. He reached over my head with his left hand
and held the door himself.

"Age before beauty," he said with a nod.

We both grinned and I stepped outside. I was still
wearing my stupid grin when my heart stopped. My
mental breakdown suddenly came roaring back. It
didn't sneak up on me. It slapped me in the face
hard. As if to say, Hey stupid, remember me? You
didn't think I was a 24-hour bug did you? I'm here
for keeps!

It was Cindy, again, walking towards the steps. Her
clothes were different and her hair was different, and
she had aged slightly since we were teens. I froze in
my tracks and Eddie walked into me. He almost knocked
me down the steps. I heard the paper bag ruffle and
had to pinwheel to keep from falling.

"What the fuck, dude?" Eddie barked. I had to grab
the banister to steady myself. If this had happened
on any other day, maybe even tomorrow, I would have
welcomed it. As it was, I was still trying to come to
terms with my insanity. I certainly wasn't to the
stage where I was embracing it. To have her back so
soon was chilling. I couldn't imagine a scenario that
would make me not want to see her, but here it was.

"Chris?" she exclaimed. "Is that you? Is that really
you?" she asked, lowering her voice from her earlier
startled cry and squinting her eyebrows slightly.

"Cindy," I said walking up to her. By now, my
surprise was replaced with anger. I didn't want to be
crazy. It was time for me to confront my dead war
buddies and send them back to the grave. "Is that
really you?" Her shirt was some sort of frilly
half-top that showed her cleavage. Her breasts still
looked perfect. I took this to be further evidence of
my brain meltdown. "Are those really your boobs?" I
asked. I reached out my right hand and got a pretty
firm hold on her left breast. It felt real. Of
course, everything did the day before. I half
expected my hand to simply pass through her. Nope,
the hand stopped at the breast and took hold. For an
instant I thought how this must look to Eddie. He was
standing behind me with the groceries and watching me
talk to air before reaching out breast high. I would
explain to him later that I had seen her again. This
time I was confronting my demons. Then it hit me. My
vision hit me. She literally slapped my face. It
stung. My face twisted to the right and my ears rang.

"Ouch!" I heard Eddie exclaim.

For a brief moment I thought he was seeing her also.
Maybe she was real. Then I decided that Eddie was
merely playing long with me.

"You see her too?" I asked, looking at Eddie with my
ears still ringing. He made a reply, but the ringing
drowned out his voice. "What?"

"You're loosing it, dude," he said again. At least I
assumed that was a direct repeat of his previous
statement. "Now, apologize for being an ass, and
let's go."

At this point I didn't know if he was playing along
with my hallucination still or if there was actually a
person standing there. An actual person standing
there would go a long ways in explaining the ears
ringing and the face sting I was experiencing.

"Do you see someone standing here?" I asked for
clarification.

Eddie must have read the sincerity in my voice,
because he responded quite seriously. "Chris, there
is a beautiful woman standing in front of you. She is
not in your head and she looks pissed and confused."
I was sure. Well, as sure as I could be about
anything these days, that there was someone there.
Now my mind was converting everyone to Cindy. I
didn't see that as a sign of progress in my battle
with dementia.

She had on a cute red top. It showed her cleavage and
felt soft. I stared at it for a moment and remembered
the feel of her left breast and the softness of the
fabric. I pushed the thought away and asked Eddie,
"What color is her top?"

"She's got a red top on," he answered.

"What the hell is going on?" the Cindy thing asked.

"Cindy," I said, and just for a moment I decided to
pretend she was real. I was also waiting for her to
tell me her name wasn't Cindy. "I dreamed of you
yesterday," I said. This was not the time to blurt
out the real story. "In my dream, I thought you were
real. Now I don't know what to believe." That part
was dead accurate.

"You think I might just be a vision?" she asked. She
placed her hands on her hips and looked into my eyes.
I felt like she was searching for sanity. That made
two of us.

"Something like that," I responded.

"And that's why you grabbed my boob? To prove I
wasn't real?"

"That...and you have nice boobs," I confessed.
"Besides, if I was only imagining you, how could you
complain? Much less slap me?"

She laughed at this and smiled her wonderful smile.

"See, there you go again; being all perfect and shit,"
I said. "This is obviously part of my insanity, so I
better go."

"How do you explain that I see her too?" asked the
Eddie thing.

"Obviously I am imagining you too, Eddie dearest. I
hate to break it to you, but you don't exist bro. Now
you both go poof off or whatever it is you figments
do, I am going home."

I walked to my driver's door, past her cute little
blue Mustang, and got back in. I put the keys in the
ignition and cranked the engine. It caught and I
looked one last time hoping they would both be gone.
At least I could take that as a sign of progress.
They were both still there. They looked at me like a
circus oddity. This must be how the elephant man
felt, I thought. I will be glad when I get back to
reality. I raised my hand to bid farewell to my
vision, and dropped the truck in reverse. I backed up
and turned my passenger side to them and shifted to
drive. As I went to pull away, Eddie darted to my
passenger door and opened it.

"At least take your groceries, dude," he said. He
placed the bag on the drivers seat. "It's not in your
head this time," he said. "For what it's worth, she
is beautiful! I hope you realize this is real before
you fuck it up."

With that he closed the door and I drove off. As I
turned onto the main road I snuck a look back in my
mirror. They were still there. Talking to each other
and making hand gestures with a lot of shrugged
shoulder motions. They seemed so real. Yesterday
things seemed real as well, but today I was
approaching it with skepticism. Surely that level of
realism would help to clear the fog. Or so I thought
anyway, apparently not.




CHAPTER EIGHT


I drove home in deep thought. Until this morning
everything had seemed clear to me. Now I didn't know
anything for certain. I didn't know if the bag on my
front seat was even there. Did Eddie buy them or did
I go alone? I even thought about driving back to
Dan's and asking him if I had been there alone or with
Eddie. Yeah, that would go over well. That would be
the quickest way to inform me the entire community I
was insane.

I kept going over in my mind, the possibility of this
latest Cindy episode being real. There was a time, I
thought, that I would give anything to have her. On
further thought, I realized this was not the case. I
wouldn't trade my ability to walk or to see for her.
I could give up my sense of smell for her. That
seemed like a good trade. Who needs to taste food
anyway? But I wouldn't give up my ability to walk or
to see for her. Now I could add something else to the
list of things I wouldn't give up...my sanity. As much
as I loved the day I had yesterday, I wouldn't want it
every day if I were just imagining it. Even though it
felt so real, I would not want to spend every day that
way. I did not want to be known as that crazy guy who
thinks he is with a woman named Cindy.

No, and not just because of what others thought of me.
If she wasn't with me, I wanted to know that. I
heard a man say once that when he was younger he
prayed to God. He told God that above happiness, he
asked for clarity. He wanted both, of course, but if
God would only give him one, then he asked that it be
an understanding of the truth. I thought that was
stupid! I mean, who cares about clarity over
happiness? What is wrong with be delusional if you
can be happy? At least that was the way I felt until
now. I just left the woman I loved in a parking lot
because she was only in my mind. Dear God, I prayed,
please help me get my sanity back. Even if it means I
never spend another moment with her. I just ask that
you allow me to see things they way they really are.
Thanks God. Amen.

I was home now. I walked inside and went straight for
the journals. I put them back where they belonged. I
had a vision of a burn fest with those, soon. I saw
it as part of my therapy. I had let this Cindy dream
runway too deep and too long. It was well past time
to end it. It had kept me company on many lonely
nights over the years, but now I could see the price
for holding on to her wasn't worth the damage it
brought. It was time to end this foolish dream and
free my mind. Maybe I could finally find happiness
with someone else when this was over. Maybe that is
why I was at this crossroads in the first place.
Perhaps my mind was preparing me to move on.

I smiled at this thought. I was certainly tired of
being alone. I wish I could find someone to be happy
with. I hadn't seen Cindy since we were young.
Surely she was not the same person these days as she
was then. It was time to get a firm hold on reality.
Heck, there were probably hundreds of women I could be
happier with than her. In my mind she was so perfect,
there was no way she could live up to my ideal of her.
Actually, it had come to the point that I went
insane! Certainly it was time to let her go. It made
me sad, but I was ok with it too. I even thought for
a moment about selling the ring. Burn the journals
and sell the ring. It all sounded very therapeutic!
Turning this page was long over due.





CHAPTER NINE



I was making my bed and whistling when I heard tires
crunching gravel in my driveway. I heard a low
muffled rumble of a car. That sounds like a Mustang I
thought. I remembered the Cindy thing's car from the
store. Damn! The process is starting all over. I
went to the window, knowing what I would see. Of
course I knew, I thought, I am inventing this! Sure
enough, Eddie and Cindy were walking up to the house.
I went to the front door and opened it. I stepped
outside to greet them.

"Welcome, dear visions! Welcome to Fantasy Island!"
I did a slight bow and smiled. I had now come to the
point that I was going to enjoy this. Soon my brain
would start working again and they would be gone. Not
leave, simply disappear. Until that did happen, it
would be good to see her anyway. My smile broadened.

Cindy walked up to me and stopped a pace back from me.
She stepped back a half step and kicked me in the
balls. It hurt like hell. I went down at once. I
lie on the ground holding my crotch and asking why?
Cindy stood over me and laughed. "Why?" she mocked.
"You should know why. You invented me," she said.
"Besides this is all in your mind, anyway. You look
ridiculous. You are all alone, talking to no one, and
curled up on your front porch holding your nuts and
asking why. Now, don't you feel ridiculous? Any
coffee made?"

She stepped over my writhing body and went in. My
nuts hurt. I wondered if it really was all in my mind
or if I had punched them myself in order to create the
vision of her kicking my balls. Even then, I wish my
brain would invent something better then that!
Yesterday everything was so perfect. I could only
rationalize that I had thrown in some not-so-perfect
moments to help fool myself. Or that this WAS real.
My mind wrestled with that thought as I went inside
holding my crotch. I turned briefly to see Eddie
walking away. I called to him and invited him back.
He told me to enjoy my vision of Cindy and he would
see me later.

I hobbled in on my hurt foot and holding my aching
testicles. Cindy was pouring coffee. She looked at
me with an expression of concern. Out of place for
someone that just kicked me in the nuts, I thought.

"Got cream? Got Sugar?" she asked.

"Cupboard above the coffee maker and in the fridge,"
I told her. I looked her over slowly and noticed
again her different hair from yesterday. "How long
have you been sporting the do?" I asked.

"Ever since this morning when I decided to enter back
into your brain," she answered. I was still slightly
slumped and holding my throbbing crotch. "You think
that hurt?" she said. "Try grabbing my tit again and
see how hard I can really kick you."

"That's quite all right," I said. "Between the
imaginary face slap and the imaginary groin kick, I am
getting the imaginary shit beat out of me today." We
both laughed. A little.

"So Eddie tells me you went nuts. Is that true?"

"Yes," I said. I couldn't add anything to my answer.
I desperately wanted to follow it up with a smart-ass
remark, but nothing came.

"He tells me that you had some weird day with me
yesterday, and thought I was with you. Is that true?"

"Cindy," I said, "Yesterday was freaky. You showed up
here about 7:00 a.m. and we spent the whole day
together. It wasn't until I woke up today to find you
gone, that I realized I had imagined it all. Now I am
imagining you again, Cindy, and I am scared as hell.
I don't know what's real."

She took this in and seemed to muse it over before she
spoke again. She spoke slowly and thoughtfully when
she did. "Chris, you've always been a bit off, but
that is what I liked about you. Now to hear you might
be loosing it breaks my heart. The strangest thing is
the way you grabbed my boob. Oh, and me kicking you
in the balls. That was strange on my behalf...but that
is your fault too. "

She looked at me with a crooked grin and waited for my
response. "I swear, Cindy, until yesterday I was
fine. Well, not fine in a, my life is great fine, but
I wasn't nuts. I have to tell you, I have missed you.
There is no doubt about that. But I never thought I
saw you. I never went through any of the stuff that
happened yesterday. That took my infatuation with you
to a whole new level. I don't even believe you are
here now. Yeah, I'm just sitting alone in this house
talking to myself and holding on to my throbbing nuts.
To be honest, I wish you weren't here. As much as I
(at that point I almost used the obvious love word and
thought better of it) like you, I would rather be sane
then to spend more time with my imaginary Cindy."

I walked over to the couch and sat down. I put my face
in my hands and sighed loudly. She came over and sat
next to me. She put her wonderful hand on my
shoulder. "Tell me what happened yesterday, Chris. I
want to hear what you and I did. All of it."

I took a deep breath that almost started me crying. I
put my hand on her leg and chanced a look into her
eyes. I didn't squeeze her knee this time to avoid an
awkward scene. Things were way past that. "Cindy," I
said, "If this is you and you really are here, I'm too
embarrassed to tell you what happened."