Let's assume for the moment we have a master at work here. What I love about the first page are lines like this: "I know you are married now and I hope all is well. Not too well, though... When I say not too well, I only mean that I hope your husband dies…"
Vintage stalker charm!
The little details have me in stitches. His favorite night with his lady-love? Crooning elegies on the family organ about his dead friend, then whisking her up to bed where he DOESN'T TOUCH HER.
Yikes!
I'll tell you where I want this story to go. I want these journal entries to get more and more demented. I want to be able to subtly read through the lines how Cindy starts to panic, how her husband tries to fend off the narrator before he (gasp) disappears, how the narrator gets everyone in town except Cindy convinced that he's the second coming of Christ until the final, grisly end...
Unfortunately, I also have to assume that this could be something entirely different, and in that case we've got some huge problems.
(Stalker Psychodrama)
Plot: 8/10
Writing: 8/10
(Romance)
Plot: 3/10
Writing: 6/10
Averaged Total: 12.5/20
I want you to know that I have barely read past the first page of this story, because I want to preserve my reaction to it - that this is so twisted it could be genius. But I feel that I have to address this first as if you might be writing it straight up - a story about a man who can't get past his first love, and is hoping against hope that she might come back.
If that is the case, I think that continuing it as a series of journal entries is a big mistake. I'm already bored by the repetition and saccharin-sweetness. The second journal entry makes me think I'm going to have to wade through page after page of this stuff. I would switch over to a mixture of narrative and journal entries. You could give a short excerpt from his diary at the start of each chapter, for example, then jump into the action.
No matter how you choose to do it, you have to be careful about how your main character comes across, because right now he's coming across as psycho. If that's intentional - awesome. But again, if this is an attempt to show a normal man wallowing in the past, you need to decide who he is. A scientist? A blue-collar worker? What does he do with his time? Does he compose lots of elegies for dead friends? And just how many of his friends are dead, anyway?
You see what I'm getting at?
Here's how I would rewrite your first few lines if I were aiming to write a romance:
Dearest Cindy,
This is crazy, writing to you like this - as crazy as going out and buying that engagement ring. The other forest rangers think I'm working on a guidebook to mosses and lichens; they'd never let me live it down if they knew what I was really doing. Writing letters I'll never send to a woman I haven't seen in years. God, this is nuts.
I heard you got married. I hope you're happy. I hope your husband dies. Just kidding - really. I know I should wish you two well, but I can't. I want you back, Cindy. I can't think of anything else.
Stop right here. Turn off the journal entry and turn on the action.
Now what if you are trying to write a creepy tale about a stalker? The story so far plays that way for several reasons. One is the juxtaposition of sentiments like these: "I hope your husband knows how lucky he is…or that he dies."
Another reason is the little details the main character reveals about himself - that he bought an engagement ring for a married woman, and not just one diary, but a whole set of hardbound journals to write to her in. This is a man who is committed to his delusion. And he not only writes elegies - he sings them. Out loud. In public. Accompanying himself on the organ.
It would take a deft hand to pull this off through a whole story, but it could be incredibly creepy if done right. You'll notice I haven't pulled out a bunch of grammar mistakes to criticize - you know the basic rules of English, at any rate. The question is - where is this story going?
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Late or delayed software at Rusty Axe Games can often be attributed to the lead designer spending too much time chasing Jennifer about the office.