You are describing a character running, out of breath, searching for somewhere to go. You can get this feeling across in the structure of your sentences and the words you choose. If your sentences become long and labyrinthine, rather than short and choppy, it feels like you are describing a cozy afternoon's chat over tea, not a mad rush through a city at night.
You need to make your sentences more active and varied in length. You need to cut out the repetition and over-analyzing, and you need to trust your reader to "see" the situation. When you do this, you'll have a great hook.
Plot: 7/10
Writing: 7/10
Averaged Total: 14/20
Let's see if we can make this first paragraph as gripping as it should be. First, let's take some of the elliptical, run-on sentences and distill them down to their essence. Then, let's tighten up the paragraph as a whole. Oh, and before I forget - give this girl a name! The more stories I read, the more I realize how tightly we all cling to this conceit - not naming our main characters until at least the fifth page. Come on people, smarten up - what are you trying to hide?
Here's my rewrite of the first paragraph. I've named your character Carla, just for the heck of it. And I've made the "it" you reference a monster, since I don't know yet what it really is. I'm sure you clarify both these points in a page or two:
Carla fled through the darkness, sensing the creature behind her, waiting each moment for its teeth to rip through her neck. It made no sound, and that was worse than anything else; there would be no warning slap of its feet on the pavement to tell her when to put on an extra, desperate burst of speed. No ragged breath to warn of imminent death.
Carla ran on, her heart pounding until she thought it would burst, her lungs straining for air until she nearly sobbed with the effort to keep moving. She sped around another unlit corner, down another empty street. She had to find somewhere to hide.
There - what's that? she thought, as a crack of light beckoned her through the night. Wait - I know this place. She dashed toward the door and its promise of sanctuary.
Do you see how putting the action into an active voice gives the scene immediacy? We're not reading about the monster anymore; we're running alongside Carla, desperate to get away from it.
The next paragraphs can be radically condensed and made more active, as well. You especially need to take out the asides, like "only hinges in need of lubrication made any sound." They detract from the action. Here's my version:
Carla burst through the door, then closed it carefully behind her, fighting to calm her shuddering breaths. She stood in the showroom of a pawn shop she'd visited as a child, and it held just the kinds of things one would expect to see - old trinkets, some guitars hanging from the walls, outdated televisions and jewelry. The air in the room was as damp and chill as it had been outside. How long had the door hung open? Was anyone in the back of the shop? She could not find the courage to go look.
I think you get the picture. Sometimes less is a whole lot more. Stripped-down sentences bring action to life. Keep tightening up your prose and your writing will become much stronger.
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