Conversation is a great way to get a story going, especially if there is some tension in it. You can flesh out characters quickly, and give the reader a good sense of their relationships, all the while setting the stage of the story. Dan Head does a great job of this: we have the love-struck Alaira, the more level-headed Belle, and the promise of a fighter we can only hope is handsome enough to light our fire.
This first page does what it's supposed to do - grabs our attention and moves the story along fast. I like it.
Plot: 8/10
Writing: 8/10
Averaged Total: 16/20
Let's start by talking about conversation designators, a fancy way of describing such words as "said", "answered", etc. We were taught back in school to "mix it up" when it came to laying out conversations, but that's not what agents and editors want to see. They want you to mostly use the simple designation - "said" - and skip that whenever possible.
One other thing I'd like to point out is that while you've done a great job making your sentences active and to the point, you've ended up with too many short ones, and not enough variety overall. This is easily remedied.
Here is my re-write of a few paragraphs:
"Well, how do I look?" Alaira asked. She held her hands away from her sides and turned in place to show off her dress. It was the red silk number she'd bought with the proceeds from their last job, Belle noticed, and it hugged her waist nicely. The slit up the side showed her legs to their best advantage.
"You look great," Belle said, "but it's not going to do you any good."
"Gods, Belle, do you have to be such a downer?" Alaira turned on her heel and started back towards the Trainer's Area. "Modor appreciates me."
Belle hurried to catch up. "Modor appreciates everyone with a nice set of legs."
"Oh come on!" Alaira said. "That's not fair. He may act that way, but in his heart he's just like everybody else; he wants to be loved."
"By everyone," Belle laughed.
"No, by someone who loves him back," Alaira said. "I'm his friend and that means something to him - he just hasn't realized how much yet."
"Maybe," Belle said. "I mean, sure, you're not just one of his fight groupies; he cares about you. But that won't change who he is."
This is subtle stuff, but it matters. Reading your story aloud will help you find places where too many sentences all have the same cadence. Combining them and varying their length makes your story more interesting.
You also need to trust your reader. You only need to tell who says what during the first few rounds of a conversation. After that you can usually go back and forth a few times before sticking "she said" in again.
Your next paragraph is awkward. Try switching it around like this:
The room was nearly deserted. The promise and the anticipation of the night's violence had gone out of the place, leaving only the rank smell of testosterone and sweat. A fighter packed up his gear. Another slouched against the wall, bleeding from a gash in his thigh. (And so on)
One final note: the word "buxom" makes me cringe because fantasy writers use it to death. Drop it from your vocabulary. How about: "Alaira had more muscles than curves. She wasn't classically beautiful, but she moved with the confidence of a woman who knew she could turn heads."
Everyone benefits from showing his work around and getting feedback. You've got the important parts down: plot, characters and action. It's a great start.
|
Back To Rankings
 |
Late or delayed software at Rusty Axe Games can often be attributed to the lead designer spending too much time chasing Jennifer about the office.