The story takes a strange turn in the last paragraph of the page. I found it offensive, but I imagine that you did not mean it to be. You need to remember, however, that if you write for westerners, you will be judged by western standards, and characterizing people by their race or religion is frowned on.
Overall, you need to substitute realistic descriptions for your present hyperbole. We like to hear about far-off locations, and we want to read the small details that will bring the scene to life, but we also want that balanced by realism and action.
Plot: 5/10
Writing: 6/10
Averaged Total: 11/20
This story starts out strong, with an interesting quote that makes the reader think. I like the first paragraph and I would keep it as it stands. Early in the second paragraph, however, things run aground. I think this is mostly a translation problem. Here's how I would fix it:
But when a whole community meets the same lamentable destiny - one of great pain, suffering, and even death - surely man must be held responsible?
Barkhapore was a paradise of peace, tranquility and natural beauty. Nourished by the rich alluvial soil and waters of the mighty Padma River through centuries, Barkhapore was a place of plenty. Villagers lived surrounded by Jackfruit, Guava, Mango, Coconut, Banana and Betelnut trees. Mountainous stacks of hay and grains, and bulging sacks of pulses and oil-seeds embellished the courtyards of every home.
The next sentence confuses me: "But it was by no means an ideal... village". It sounds pretty ideal to me. I think you are trying to say that the village isn't special - they are all like this, but this information isn't important to the story. Again, we need to condense and clarify parts of the next two paragraphs:
The people of Barkhapore didn't have to work hard to produce those verdant fields of paddy, jute and sugarcane. They sowed the seeds and planted the saplings, and the water and soil took care of the rest. They caught rich hauls of fish, as well, from the river, which at places stretched to over five miles across.
With hunger held at bay, the village folk had ample leisure to indulge themselves in dance, drama and music, and, of course, a never-ending sequence of ceremonies and festivals. From births to the first food ceremonies, from sacred thread ceremonies to weddings, there were no dearth of occasions during which the villagers needed to perform Puja, distribute sweets, and hold musical get-togethers.
And finally, the last paragraph betrays a streak of prejudice that is out of place with the rest of the introduction. When you write for a western audience you have to realize that religion and class are hot-button topics. We don't like to hear broad generalizations about people - such as: "it is the Hindus who formed the cream of the society; being superior to all walks of life they enriched it with their vibrant culture." It is not self-evident to a westerner that belonging to any particular religious group makes you superior to anyone else, and, indeed, the very idea is disturbing. Now this village doesn't seem ideal anymore - it seems fraught with intolerance. You need to re-work this section or drop it all together.
You are on the right track to setting the scene of your story, but I would consider reigning in your descriptions and introducing some characters and action to get the story moving. Otherwise, you risk losing your audience before your story even gets started.
|
Back To Rankings
 |
Late or delayed software at Rusty Axe Games can often be attributed to the lead designer spending too much time chasing Jennifer about the office.