Dry humor goes nicely with a mystery, but the trick to humor is setting up the joke so that you don't have to explain the punch line. This story contains too much ambiguity on the one hand and too much heavy-handed explanation on the other.
A few small tweaks will tighten up this first page and give it the punch that it lacks right now. The story is there, the humor is there - all that it needs is some polish.
Plot: 6/10
Writing: 6/10
Total: 12/20
The first sentence of this story, 'It was only six in the morning but the juice in her cup was already sticky and sickly sweet,' made me stop to think, and not in a good way. Would the juice not be sticky if it was three in the morning? I know the heat couldn't be causing the stickiness because the next sentence tells me that the central air-conditioning is on. Hmm.
My advice? Start off with the really important part:
'He was gone.'
Here's how I would rewrite the next several paragraphs:
She sat in her kitchen, the sweet taste of her orange juice masking the bitterness of her fear. She felt pinned to her chair, held there by the certainty that something was wrong. There was no logical explanation for her panic; it was summer vacation - he could have just gone out for a walk.
She knew her brother, though. It was only six in the morning, but the warmth outside was suffocating; if he had to go somewhere he would drive. And the car was still in the garage.
Let's stop right there for a moment. Before you go any further, you need to name your main character. I'm already losing interest because there is a 'she' and a 'he', and I don't know either of them. I don't think the story gains anything by withholding your main character's name (though I've read far enough to guess why you've chosen to do so). If you're afraid her name gives too much away, then disguise it with a nickname. You need to give us someone we can care about right up front.
The next few paragraphs lose momentum. The cutesiness gets in the way of the action, and you need to move on and let us know that the mysterious 'he' is the main character's brother, and that she thinks she knows where 'he' has gone. Here's how I would tighten it up:
If he's gone, I have to find him, she thought. She jumped up from her chair and raced to the side door, grabbing a pair of tennis shoes as she dashed out of the house. She hopped on one leg, cursing and fumbling with the laces, then gave in and stopped long enough to tie them properly. She sprinted toward the broad curve at the end of the road, only slowing down when the street rose too sharply beneath her feet. She turned left, her heart in her mouth, and arrived out of breath and wheezing.
There was no one in sight. She stood alone in a deserted parking lot.
She'd been so sure he would be here. Five years ago, when they first found the structure, it seemed like a great place to play. If you climbed to the top and lay down on the metal roof you were invisible to the cars coming in from the street.
You get the idea. Your plot generates suspense, but your writing has to support it. Trust your reader to know what's funny. We can see without you pointing it out that it's humorous when your character tries to run without her shoes all the way on.
Despite all my criticisms, this is a great beginning. Your story is out of the gate with a bang. Cut out the fluff, tighten up the prose, and it will be ready to go.
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