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Page One - Judge's Remarks

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Triune: Blood Relic
by Robert Buchheit

You have to make sense. No matter what genre you choose, making sense is a requirement when you set out to write a story. You also have to create characters that your reader cares about. This first page skips both those requirements and ends up falling flat on its face.

First off, we have a man stuck on a cliff who is subject to nightmares and splitting headaches. I can sympathize with this: from time to time I'm subject to nightmares and splitting headaches, too. That's one reason I don't sleep at the edge of precipices.

Speaking of sleep, do not let your character fall asleep on the first page of your story. It is forgivable to start a story off with someone waking up, but it is the kiss of death to let him fall back asleep a paragraph later. If you think I'm kidding, go read Miss Snark's agent blog. She's very clear on this point.

Fantasy writers have to be careful - it is all too easy to lampoon them at the best of times. I don't have any clue where this story is going because you gave me nothing to go on - not even the main character's name - and by the end of the first page I stopped caring. In fact, I wanted that bird flying around above to have a heart attack and do a nose-dive, knocking the your main character off the cliff, because that would have been a fitting response to his monumental whininess and self-absorption.

Triune: Blood Relic First Page Rating

Plot: 3/10
Writing: 4/10

Averaged Total: 7/20

What Would Editor Jennifer Do?

It is hard to convey weariness without putting your reader to sleep. The trick is to focus on the character's actions, not descriptions of how tired he is. Then give us something else to think about on the first page - some hint of action that makes us look forward to the rest of the story.

The convention of having a character muse upon "that day" - the day his life went to heck in a handbasket - has been done to death. Steer clear of cliches if you want to be published. If there is a tragic occurrence in your character's past, hint about it - don't bludgeon us with it. Make us care enough about your character in the present to want to explore his history.

Let's try condensing some of your first page's angst into a couple of interesting paragraphs. Since I really don't know where this story is going, forgive me if what I make up takes off in an entirely different direction:

The man surged to his feet, his knife drawn, stabbing out at the empty air. "Who's there," he cried hoarsely, blinking the sleep away from his eyes.

No one answered. A chill wind tugged at his leather tunic; the first rays of the sun crested the horizon and spilled out across the canyon far below. Nightmares again, he thought, sheathing his blade and running a hand through his hair. What did he expect?

Pain stabbed through his head and the man doubled over, crouching in the dust with his worn hands pressed to his forehead. He was used to this, too - first he suffered while he slept and then he suffered again when he awoke; a pattern of pain he could have easily done without. Finally the ache subsided, and he sat back in the dust, drained.

Two years.That's what the traders had said. Two years since he'd (fill in the blank with whatever awful thing he did), and left the civilized world to take up his lonely post here.

You get the idea. Let us know the specifics of your character's situation - alone, nightmares, pain, bad past - and then get to the action. This story might have all sorts of excitement in store for us, but if you drag out the beginning too much, we'll never read on far enough to find out.

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Editor Jennifer has been scribbling stories since she was a wee little thing, but she's at her best with a red pen in hand. A Graduate of UPenn with a degree in English, author of Latin at Home, she reviews books and offers her editing services at I Will Read Ten Pages.

Late or delayed software at Rusty Axe Games can often be attributed to the lead designer spending too much time chasing Jennifer about the office.